even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
