Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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