She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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