have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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