I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
