Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
