i jhust puked up my retainher.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
