My underwear smells like fireworks.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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