is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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