Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
