Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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