i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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