I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
