I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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