finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
