I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
