I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
