my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
