Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
