So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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