Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
