Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
