just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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