Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
