then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize