So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
