So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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