Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize