the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
