New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
