I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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