my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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