Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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