I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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