Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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