I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoofâ€
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