So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
