nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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