she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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