This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
