During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
