i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
