I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
