everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm at about main and main street
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Randomize
