Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize