Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
