so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
