ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize