WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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