My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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