if you like me you must not know who I am
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
