Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Randomize
