found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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