Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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