I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
