im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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