oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
