my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize