During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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