He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize