You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
