I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
