I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
