What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize